float

As i get older...i tend to become lonelier...or sense that i had become lonely...

I'm just reflecting on my life now...it seems long but it's still very short...
where has my life brought me to?

i would have never imagined myself studying here... more importantly... i didn't want to...

to me... my time seemed to have stopped every since high school... after that... i was brought to reality and i'm just simply floating around trying to hold on to something...but it's never within my grasp... i feel a stinging pain now... more of being lonely... no i'm not seeking pity...

days just pass by without waiting... more importantly... i'm not moving forward... just floating...

though new and old friends are around... still... i miss home...

when i was in high school... my image of the future was so narrow... i couldn't even imagine myself working... i'm the worst...

all i thought of was... ahh... next time... leave home... go to university... then become an engineer... earn money... find a gf... get married... get a house... children... n live to 75...
it was so immature when i think of it now...

the loneliness and the cold is probably making things worse... i don't know... i'm pathetic... tired... quiet... unimpressive... huh! who'd like me... no one... not even myself... saite...

perhaps what's missing in my life is God... i miss Him a lot... when i came down here... i couldn't feel Him... i felt... lost... abondoned...probably i abandoned Him... God doesn't abandon anyone...

when i was young... i wanted to become everything or anything i could imagine... an astronaut would be the first for any young boy... an artist like my mum when she was still doing her art thing... an engineer like my dad even though i never knew what he was doing until i came to university... a scientist...when i was in primary 4 and had science class... it was so interesting... an english teacher... everyone loves them... hhah...

even a cook... a waiter... a mangaka... a lecturer in language and arts... but haha... i was laughed at by my parents... they even brought it up in their conversations and laughed about it in front of me... even though it was just for conversation sake... it wasn't nice... i felt that... i just shouldn't have said what i wanted to be... haha.. bringing up old scars...

life is never fair... life never follows a certain path... life is uncertain... it's full of surprises... n well... that's what makes life interesting... and if i were in a positive mood right now i'd just laugh it out and think about it next time...

but still...it's never fair...and living is hard...

change... with every new environment... there is a hope for change... but change can only happen when one does something to change... not just wait for change to happen...
everyone has this misconception... just because you move...escape...to new place... it's doesn't mean you will change if you just stay put and do nothing... haha... i should listen to my own advice and do something about it... but right now... the laziness...the unwillingness to change...

why do movies...stories...novels...animes...comics...entertain us? because it inspires us to change... and gives us the image of what if... and brings us out from reality from time to time... stories shows how a character changes... they develop... and in the end become successful... (most of the time)

putting myself in the place of the main character makes me feel good... depending from case to case... well... when i see the characters for animes change... it just gives that satisfaction of watching it... of course...good endings are a must but not always necessary. tragic endings will make me think even more of the quality of the story...

ho...

what else... probably i've strayed away from what i wanted to write about until my feelings became numb and i just want to stop and sleep...
so...that's all...

good night...